Shit..

So I did it. I confronted Randy. Well, I sent him an email. I told him that I knew what he was doing, who he was talking to, etc.. what really made me do it was him sending the naked pictures of himself out to those girls.. one even replied, "wow, was not expecting that! made me wet, so sexy". That was the last straw for me.

I'm so fucked up.. this is how messed up I am.. Even though he did these things to me.. I'm worried about him. Worried how he is going to feel being confronted, and worried about his reaction. I'm worried that I shouldn't have confronted him since he is deployed and he needs to have his mind on his mission and not back home. Maybe that was wrong of me, I don't know.. but this isn't fair to me. I've signed off my messengers so he can either call me once he gets it or email me back. I honestly don't feel like talking to him.. and I am so scared of what his reaction is going to be to this. I'm nervous. Don't get me wrong, I am super pissed off, but I should be more angry with the situation and not giving a crap what he thinks but instead I'm worried about him. I love him so much that I'm more worried about him right now than I am myself.

I want so badly to go into his email and delete it before he can find it. Part of me wants to because I love him so much that I don't want to lose him. But I can't keep letting this happen. It hurts too badly. I know I don't deserve this. But I'm afraid by me sending him that email.. that might be the end of our marriage.. and I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. :(

Wish me luck.

Another month down..

So I know I haven't updated this thing in awhile.. Not sure why, just haven't thought to do it.

R&R came and went.. It was pretty awesome.. I enjoyed most of it. I think he did too. We didn't have sex at all which really sucked.. I thought at least he would take that pill he had left and he still didn't. My feelings were hurt for awhile, but oh well. I am starting to realize that even though tests came back about him, that part of it is still me and will always be me.. other than that I can't explain most of his actions anymore.

I love this man with everything in me. I have given up so much to be with him.. twice. Everything I do or don't do, is for him. I do everything for him and he knows this. And yet it is never enough. I don't think I am enough for him at all no matter how hard I try to be.

He just won't stop. And I don't know where to go from here. I definitely can't even confront him on anything until he comes home no matter how much I want to. I just don't even know what to think. He will tell me one thing and act one way with me and then turn it around completely and talk differently with other women telling them different things. I've had it, but I am so fucking in love with this man that I don't even want to leave him. I think right now what I'm going to do is just not talk to him for a few days. If he wants to get ahold of me then he can. He has no idea that I know about everything.. and it's not even something that has happened during this deployment.. it has been happening for a long time. And I have known about it and just let it slide.. over and over again I have just let it slide.. and I don't want to let it slide anymore. I don't know why I've kept my eyes closed to it.. maybe because love is blind? I dunno..all I know is if I'm not enough for him then that is not enough for me..

:(