Shit..

So I did it. I confronted Randy. Well, I sent him an email. I told him that I knew what he was doing, who he was talking to, etc.. what really made me do it was him sending the naked pictures of himself out to those girls.. one even replied, "wow, was not expecting that! made me wet, so sexy". That was the last straw for me.

I'm so fucked up.. this is how messed up I am.. Even though he did these things to me.. I'm worried about him. Worried how he is going to feel being confronted, and worried about his reaction. I'm worried that I shouldn't have confronted him since he is deployed and he needs to have his mind on his mission and not back home. Maybe that was wrong of me, I don't know.. but this isn't fair to me. I've signed off my messengers so he can either call me once he gets it or email me back. I honestly don't feel like talking to him.. and I am so scared of what his reaction is going to be to this. I'm nervous. Don't get me wrong, I am super pissed off, but I should be more angry with the situation and not giving a crap what he thinks but instead I'm worried about him. I love him so much that I'm more worried about him right now than I am myself.

I want so badly to go into his email and delete it before he can find it. Part of me wants to because I love him so much that I don't want to lose him. But I can't keep letting this happen. It hurts too badly. I know I don't deserve this. But I'm afraid by me sending him that email.. that might be the end of our marriage.. and I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. :(

Wish me luck.

Another month down..

So I know I haven't updated this thing in awhile.. Not sure why, just haven't thought to do it.

R&R came and went.. It was pretty awesome.. I enjoyed most of it. I think he did too. We didn't have sex at all which really sucked.. I thought at least he would take that pill he had left and he still didn't. My feelings were hurt for awhile, but oh well. I am starting to realize that even though tests came back about him, that part of it is still me and will always be me.. other than that I can't explain most of his actions anymore.

I love this man with everything in me. I have given up so much to be with him.. twice. Everything I do or don't do, is for him. I do everything for him and he knows this. And yet it is never enough. I don't think I am enough for him at all no matter how hard I try to be.

He just won't stop. And I don't know where to go from here. I definitely can't even confront him on anything until he comes home no matter how much I want to. I just don't even know what to think. He will tell me one thing and act one way with me and then turn it around completely and talk differently with other women telling them different things. I've had it, but I am so fucking in love with this man that I don't even want to leave him. I think right now what I'm going to do is just not talk to him for a few days. If he wants to get ahold of me then he can. He has no idea that I know about everything.. and it's not even something that has happened during this deployment.. it has been happening for a long time. And I have known about it and just let it slide.. over and over again I have just let it slide.. and I don't want to let it slide anymore. I don't know why I've kept my eyes closed to it.. maybe because love is blind? I dunno..all I know is if I'm not enough for him then that is not enough for me..

:(

30% done!

Almost 1/3 of the way finished! I am so excited.. R&R is coming up soon.. (less than two months away!) I can't wait to have him back home with me. I miss him so much. And I'm so glad he decided to come home for R&R instead of going to NY. I'm going to make sure he has a great time and is super relaxed. I plan on doing everything for him! haha.

Biff got neutered today. Poor little turkey booger. He's sleeping now and hates his cone. I just really hope that it calms him down and him and Odin STOP fighting. They got into another fight Saturday night and during the breaking them up process I broke my toe. It hurts soooo bad. I'm not even sure how it happened honestly.. it didn't start hurting until the next day when I woke up and noticed it was purple and bent to the left! It hurts like a bitch though. Ugh. And it's such a pain in the ass to go up and down the stairs.. Oh well.. it's gonna take 4 weeks to heal, and hopefully the pain goes away. Right now it's buddy taped and it hurts. It's soo ugly looking. And what is really funny is just last week I was bragging to Kara, Chandra, and Jennifer about how I've never broken a bone in my life before. Oops, spoke too soon and should have knocked on wood!

I have a love/hate relationship with these surprise homecomings show on TV.. I love watching the reunions of loved ones, but it just  makes me so sad that it's going to be awhile before I see my soldier again. I just want him home and I want this deployment to END. And I'm even more upset now because not only does he NOT have wifi in his tent, but they are getting rid of the MWR office.. so no phone calls, no internet.. I might get a 5 minute sattelite phone call here and there, but there is one phone for over 200 soldiers, and it breaks up all the time. Don't get me wrong, I am glad to hear from him when I do, but I'm being very selfish right now. The other guys that deployed all have wifi in their rooms and get to webcam with their spouse's ALL the time and talk to them several times a day. I now have no idea what is going on with my husband and I think it's bullshit. There is an FRG meeting on the 7th that I am going to and I am definitely going to say something about it and speak my mind. It's complete bullshit honestly. Nice way to treat your soldiers. I hope there is a good excuse for doing this to them! It makes me so mad! :(

Anyways, I'm gonna go love up on Biffers since he isn't feeling so well from his surgery today. R&R is almost 30% away! :) Literally counting down the days now! I even have them written down on the calendar on my fridge.

So we are sitting pretty right now at 29.2% done with the deployment. I wish it was more. I've been having a really mopey last couple of days but that is because I haven't talked to him. I keep missing him online. The first couple days he was out on a mission and wasn't able to get on a computer and then yesterday I had to have two root canals done, and then today I was laying on the couch and had the computer on the couch with me and I ended up falling asleep and the stupid computer didn't go off when he came online. I was so upset. I just really miss my husband and I want him back so bad. I keep counting down the days until R&R and I am so excited for that but I want him home for good. It's going to be hard as hell to see him go back there. I hope the two weeks that he is here, time just stops and drags on. Sigh.

I am however so insanely happy being in this new place. And the animals love it too. It's awesome. So big and they love their fence; I love being able to put them OUT in their fence. :) And I love love love my new neighbor. Kara and her friend Chandra. I instantly hit it off with them and I am so happy to have someone to talk to who knows exactly what I'm going through with this deployment. We hang out every day. They are awesome girls. I did have Jennifer staying with me for about 3 weeks because her and Chris are still having issues. I don't even know what to think or say about that. I love the girl to death but she has just changed so much the last few months. She is almost a different person completely. And she drove me crazy while she was here. Oh boy did she, haha. But she left a couple days ago and moved back in with Chris.. supposedly just as roommates until September because then she is going to take the kids and move back to Kentucky.. however she is leading Chris on like crazy because she is making out with him and when he stops it she gets angry and cries.. ugh, I hate being in the middle of someone else's drama. Seriously, I hate it. And I got into a fight with both of them last week because I told them how much I couldn't deal with it. I'm not picking sides and I won't be in the middle. I will be friends to both of them and listen to whatever they need but that is it. And I think Jennifer is a little mad at me because I'm friends with Chris and I've been talking to him. But he has been a really good friend to ME lately.. helping me get through the deployment, giving me advice and honestly just being a really good listener and friend. I appreciate all he has done for me. Anyways, I hope that whatever happens between the two of them, that they will be happy. They both deserve happiness.

Not a whole lot else going on. Just spending LOTS of money on these animals. In the last three weeks I have spent 850 dollars on them. Between the vaccinations, microchips, Odin's fight, and then Harvey's little flu bug.. yeah, 850$. And then in 5 days Biff is supposed to be getting neutered and that is going to be another 250 dollars. I want to cancel the appointment because it is so much money but he needs to have it done. I want to save up for R&R but it's hard constantly spending so much money on the pets. Of course they are all  happy and healthy now and that is really all that matters, it just sucks having to spend so much cash. I am going to go back to work R&R.. thinking about going back into waitressing just because the money is so much better and I like to think I'm somewhat good at it. :) Next week though I am going to go down to Barton Community College and look into getting my GED. I've procrastinated on that for 10 years now. I honestly have been too scared to do it. I'm afraid I'm going to fail it. Failure is a huge fear of mine. So I plan on taking the pre-test and seeing what I need to work on, then taking some of the classes that they offer to study up for it.. and then take the test. I really want to pass. And then I would like to start taking some other kind of classes to better myself. And I've been wanting to do that for awhile.. and I think it would be great if I did it while Randy is deployed because hopefully I can be making good money doing something I enjoy doing and we can be happy in that department. I don't want him to be the only one bringing in income. He's been pretty awesome and he spoils me so much. I love my husband.

Well, I better finish this up. I just haven't written in awhile so I thought I'd blog a little. It always helps to write out my thoughts. I just think sometimes that I'm too depressing because all I usually write about is how much I miss my husband.

Oh! And he got another award! For his last mission, he was called out in front of hundreds of soldiers and was given a certificate, a coin, and some promotion points. I am so damn proud of him. He amazes me more and more every day, I swear I am the luckiest girl in the world. He's saving lives.. I couldn't be more proud of him. I was even able to see some pictures that someone took of him recieving the award and shaking the guys hand. I'm definitely impressed. Like I have said 1,000 times.. I love this man! :)

Also, 66% done until R&R.. wish it would speed up!

So I've officially been in our new place for 4 days now. I am soooooo in love with it. It's huge! I wish Randy was here with me though. :(

I do have to say that I LOVE my new neighbor and her best friend. I have gotten so close to them in the few days that I've been here. It's seriously so nice to actually have good friends that know what I'm going through and who are so awesome. My first day here they gave me a free ticket to the Country Stampede.. how cool was that? And they didn't even know me except for a few minutes talking the night before while we were outside smoking. Right now she's doing my laundry for me, haha. I really like them though. I'm so glad I moved in here. I am soo happy to be here.

Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment, just a tooth cleaning, but afterwards I'm going to head to the apartment and clean the shit out of it. I really don't want to because I hate the landlords, but I need to. I need to replace the burner thingies.. but I'm so broke right now until payday. This move cost more than I thought it would for us.. Anyways, I gotta see if my mom will loan some money so I can take care of that. After that we should be good.

So my new neighbors have a friend named Amy, and her husband is deployed with Randy.. I met her today.. anyway, there is a rumor going around I guess that the boys are coming home early! I know it's just a rumor but I can't help but get extremely excited about the possibility of it. I know if it doesn't happen then I'm going to be so disappointed, but I have my fingers and toes crossed so tightly! And it's still quite a ways off, but earlier than expected and any earlier is okay with me. I really miss him. It was starting to get a little easier, but lately I just find myself crying for no reason at all and more often. I hate the seperation. I love this man so much and it hurts to be without him. And I just want him to be okay.. there's a lot of horrible scary shit going on over there and I'm so afraid for him. I just want him to be okay. I want him to come home to me safe and sound and all in one piece. I don't want him to have PTSD when he comes home. I just want my husband back, damnit. I need him.

Sigh, anyways, I'm gonna head out and have a cigarette and then come back in and catch up on some True Blood. Oh my gosh, I have DVR now.. never had one before.. haha it's pretty awesome. I'm spoiled. My husband spoils the shit out of me. I love it. :) <3

So it's been awhile since I wrote last. Basically.. I am in our new beautiful home here in Fort Riley. It's a 3 bedroom townhome, and the dogs are loving all the space. It's a little bittersweet though since I wish my Randy was here. The movers all came  yesterday and packed everything up and brought it here so now its down to me to just unpack everything. I already have internet and cable hooked up but I'm thinking about installing a phone since I get really crappy service down here. It works, but the calls are constantly getting dropped and I really don't want that to happen to one of Randy's phone calls.

Anyways, today is his birthday. I wish he was here to spend it with me. My husband is 29 years old. I can't believe it. Still as handsome as ever though. :) I wish I could make him a cake and just spoil him to pieces today. I guess I'll just have to make it up to him when he comes home.

Other than that, nothing really new is going on. Just staying busy unpacking everything. The new home is beautiful though. I am so happy here. Totally in love with this place.

OH! And 20.6% done with this deployment. I can't believe I'm almost a quarter of the way through this damn thing! Just a couple weeks and I'll be there. EFF YOU DEPLOYMENT! Unless you want to speed up and send my husband home quickly... :)

So I'm home. Things have been good, the rest of the ride was pretty uneventful. I am very happy to be home but sad at the same time because my Randy is not here with me. Sigh. It's definitely hard being here alone. But I have a pretty busy week ahead of me. Monday I have a dentist appointment because right now I have an abscessed tooth. My left cheek looks like I have a golfball in it. It sucks. At least the antibiotics have kicked in so I'm not in any pain anymore. Yay for that!

I also got two phone calls during the trip back home from my lovey. It totally made me feel so much better and happier. Everytime I hear his voice I get a huge smile on my face. I love that man. Tonight I was having an emotional breakdown over a lot of things. For one, we need new tires on the car, we also need new brakes and to have the rotors grinded down. Well I got in the car tonight to go to the store and the effing dashboard lights don't work anymore. It just made me so upset that I just started crying about everything. I hate being back in this apartment without him here. I miss Randy. So much that it hurts to breathe sometimes. Anyways, with all that going on, I was pretty upset, and he came online. I told him how I am going to have a busy week this week.. and my dear sweet husband who is always thinking of me even from 6,000 miles away, says to me, "make sure you have some fun in between your busy week, go see a movie and treat yourself to something nice". I fucking love him. He always knows how to make me feel better. I am so lucky!!

Anyways, so on Monday I have that dentist appointment, Tuesday I have the mover guy coming over to take a quick inventory of everything we have. Wednesday I have my doctor's appointment, and then on Thursday I have to go to a moving brief on post. And thennnn next Tuesday I get the keys to our new place! It's awesome! And then on the 25th the movers will be here and I will officially be all moved in! I can't wait, I am so excited. Just wish Randy was here to share in my excitement.

Anywho, I better get to sleep. I am a tired girl and it is 3 AM. I've been watching Weeds on netflix and this show is addicting! But it is taking my mind off of other things so that is great. :)

Also, before I forget.. 62.3% until R&R, and we are 16.7% done with this damn deployment. It's getting there. Slowly but surely. He's been gone 61 days. I can't believe I've made it this far. :) There is a lot left to go, but we're gonna make it. It will be okay. :) Just can't wait until I get my husband back!

1/3 of the way back home to Kansas! I'm in Boise, Idaho right now at a Motel 6. I love these motels because they are cheap, nice and they don't charge extra for pets!
Been a pretty good trip so far. This is the same route we took when we moved to Kansas. Kinda weird how on the way up here my GPS gave me different directions, but whatever. Only problem I've had is about 10 minutes into the trip, Lily threw up in her cat carrier. So I pulled over, cleaned it out, and continued. Well a little while later I look in her cage and she is drooling.. like thick clear drool and it's hanging out both sides of her mouth about 2 inches long. So I start freaking out of course, call my mom and she says it is probably just nerves.. so I drive a little more and see that she is still drooling bad. So I look on my GPS for the nearest pet store. Find one in Cle Elum about 20 minutes away, call them up, explain the situation and he says he has the perfect thing for her. So I drive over there and he gets me these pheramone collars. Kinda like the spray stuff I bought for Harvey. Anyway I put it on her and she stopped drooling! Yay! But then she didn't want to drink any water or let me pet her so I was like crap. Prayed for her, had my mom pray for her and then she started getting a little better. Since we've been at the motel, she's been acting fine, but she doesn't want me to touch her.. she keeps moving away from me when I do. I hope she's just mad at me and she's not sick or anything. :(  I just worry about my animals so much. Especially when I'm on these long drives far from home or anyone I know.

But I'm feeling pretty positive that everything is going to work out and I'm gonna get home safe. I believe in the Lord and I know he is with me and going to keep us safe/happy/healthy.

Anywho, sleeping pill is kicking in so time to go cuddle with the pups. :)

Such a great day today!

Ya know, 6:00 AM phone calls from Afghanistan are the best wake up calls, EVER! After almost a month and a half of not hearing his sweet voice, he called me! He was finally able to get the phone system up and working. It made my entire day starting out hearing from him. I was smiling the entire time. It was so nice to hear his voice. Just relaxed me and made everything so much better. I love this man so much!

So I called up Picerne again and the lady was busy so I left a message. I jumped in the shower and she called me back! WE HAVE HOUSING! I get the keys June 21st! I am so insanely excited. She was telling me the different neighborhoods that have things available, and she was talking about this apartment building and she asked if I would prefer upstairs or downstairs.. and I told her with the dogs, downstairs would be easier for them and she was like, "oh that is right, you have two dogs! well an apartment just isn't going to work.. you're going to want a yard!" And I was like, "aw, well that's nice but I usually just walk them several times a day so its no big deal anyway", and she says, "well sometimes it's just easier to throw them in the yard and get it over with!" I was like, "SWEET!" So she continues looking and she says she is going to put me in a 3 bedroom townhome on the historic main post. THREE BEDROOMS! OMG! I couldn't believe it! She said the third room is pretty small, it would make a perfect nursery or office area. Works for us! Plus we have our own basement, and a fenced in backyard that is ours! It is 2 stories as well. Bottom floor has a patio, huge kitchen, dining room, living room, then upstairs is the 3 bedrooms and the bathroom. It's 1100 square feet.That is so big for us! I am just so happy and so excited. I can't wait to talk to Randy about it. I sent him an email but I can't wait to hear what he thinks. He's going to be thrilled. I can't wait for him to come home to our new home! I haven't moved in yet nor am I back in Kansas yet either but I'm already checking out craigslist for furniture! I'm going to need some couches and a kitchen table, and a washer and dryer because there are hookups! There is also a dishwasher! I'm going to have a dishwasher! Ahhh! I am so excited I am ready to move in right now! Now my only little issue is that we're going to have to come  up with 641$ on the 21st. Which I think we can do just fine, it's just going to leave us a little short. So I cannot spend anymore money on anything except to get me home and the little necessities. I think we'll be alright though.

Also I am leaving on Sunday to head back to Kansas. Ready to go home but not quite ready to make that long drive back there. Ugh! At least my puppies are good and used to being in the car. Ready to go home though.

I have a bit of a stomach ache and I want to go to sleep but I really want Randy to come online so I can talk to him about all this awesome housing stuff! Can't wait to hear what he thinks! :P

Oh my gosh!

So on our way to Aunt Sher's house to have dinner with Ty and Vanessa, I checked my voicemail.. It had been a couple days.. well on the 3rd one I get a call from a  lady named Cheryl from Picerne! She asked if I was still interested in moving on post and when I would want to move! Then gave me a call back number. I can't believe I didn't check earlier! I hope that I'm not too late. I can only imagine that the only reason they called is because they have something available for us! I am so fricking pysched right now. Seriously so excited. I can't think of any other reason why she would call us. Even though we're still 170 on the housing list, so that part doesn't make any sense.. but why else would she ask me when I wanted to move in?!?! Ugh, if only I had checked my voicemail sooner! I am calling first thing in the morning to find out what is going on. How unbelievably awesome would it be if when I got back to Kansas I'd be able to pack everything up and move on post? Aghh, I am so excited! But I am going to be so disappointed if it's about something else entirely. Although I just can't imagine why else she would call and ask when I wanted to move?

The wait is killing me! I can't wait until the morning!

14%!

Ya know, I know it doesn't seem like much but for some reason I am so psyched to see my DOM read 14%! That is a lot! That is 51 days that he has been gone. It still isn't very much but for some reason it seems like a milestone to me. A small one to be sure, but a milestone nontheless.

I had a good day today. Went and had dinner with my bestest friend Julie and her boyfriend Jim. I really like him. I've never really seen her this happy before. Plus he's a nice guy. Everytime we've gone out to dinner, he pays for all of us. So nice! Anyway we went to the Skagit Valley Brewery. Cute little restaurant and they brew their beer right there! It was really nice. I am soo not much of a beer drinker at all, but I ordered a little sampler and they had some good beer! I might just try drinking it more often! Way better than that crappy Budweiser. :) Anyways,  I had a really good time. I'm going to miss Julie so much. She is such an awesome person.

Anyways, not too much else going on. Tomorrow night we're heading over to my Aunt Sher's house.. I haven't seen her since my Uncle Read died so its going to be nice to be there. I've been trying to get ahold of them since I left but no one returns my calls. Finally I was able to get ahold of Vanessa and she's going to make us dinner. I am pretty excited to see them. I love those guys!

Ahh, anyways, I am so damn excited for R&R. I can't wait to see my husband. Even though I'm not to keen on the idea of spending the whole two weeks in NY, I'm slowly warming up to the idea. I know we're going to have a lot of fun and it's going to be really nice to be with him again. I miss him so badly it hurts. But once R&R is over, then that means we made it halfway. So that will be another good milestone. YAY!

Oh, and I decided that when I go back to KS, I am going to work toward getting my GED. I've already looked into it a little bit and it's going to cost 78 dollars. I decided I'm not going to tell anyone about it because in case I fail, I don't want people to know that I did. But I am hoping I pass. :) And then I've decided to take the CNA course. I believe it's only 2-3 months long, but I hope to get my license and start working a decent job. I am actually really excited to be doing this. I think going to school is really going to help me pass time during this deployment, and keep me busy. Plus I think Randy will be very proud of me.

Oh and that's another one of my goals before R&R. I want to lose 20 lbs before he comes back. I'm really hoping I can do it and stop being so lazy. I've already lost a few lbs since he left, but I would like to be at 160 when he see's me again. Right now I weigh the exact same as I did when I first met him. I would like to be thinner than he has ever seen me! I want him to be like, "damn, I have the hottest wife around!" Although I've been very lucky with him when it comes to that. He has always made me feel beautiful no matter how much I weighed. He has never once commented on my weight. I am so blessed and lucky to have him. He is my entire heart and soul. I miss him so much.

Sigh, anyways, I better get to bed. I have two sleeping bulldogs up there waiting for me already. Better go cuddle with them!

YAY!

I am so happy right now! One, the blackout has been lifted so I was able to talk to Randy, even though it was only for a few minutes.. secondly, we have dates for R&R! I am so friggin' happy right now I could burst! I know when he's coming home! I get to start a new countdown! :)

Right now, DOM says 13% done with deployment, and 29% done until R&R. I can't wait to see my husband! I miss him so much.

Anyways, I am going to get to bed early. I'm not feeling so good. I haven't been able to sleep much lately because of this horrendous toothache. Not able to eat much either. When I woke up from my nap this afternoon I had a slight fever. And now my belly is a little icky and I'm starting to sweat a little. So I'm going to go lay down.

BUT I AM SO HAPPY THAT WE HAVE A DATE FOR R&R! I cannot wait! Woohooo!!!!

42 days.

Yay! Hit a little milestone. Still don't think this deployment has gotten any easier. Although I will say that since being in WA, time has definitely gone faster than it was going when I was back home in KS. Right now DOM says, 11.5% done. I know it doesn't seem like much, but the greener part is a lot bigger than what it was. Still just can't wait until this deployment is over with. I miss having my husband.

I'm waiting on my sleeping pill to kick in.. only slept about 4 hours yesterday. Boo. I think it's because of the head pain. I ran out of pills a week ago and called my DR to have him send me over a new prescription. Well he did, but he SLOW MAILED IT. Ugh, for some reason that is his policy. So anyways I've been calling the pharmacy every day, sometimes twice a day to see if it is in yet. It's been 6 days since they mailed it, you would have thought it would have been here by now. When I went in and talked to them, they said that all mail goes to the main office, so it could still take a few days to get sorted out before the pharmacy even gets it. BOO! I am in so much pain I can't stand it. I know I probably should have called it in sooner, but I honestly thought they would just call it in or fax it in to the pharmacy like my old Doctor did when I was in NY. So for the last week I have been without any pain pills. It's been awful. My Mom took me to this all natural/organic grocery store.. well they had a bunch of different things to try for pain. I bought like 30 dollars worth of stuff which NONE of it helped. Such a waste of money. Anyways, I did buy this little roll on headache stick that has peppermint oil and lavendar in it. That is the only thing that helps. Doesn't get rid of the pain, but it turns your head to ice so it's like it is being numbed. If I didn't have that thing I think I would have admitted myself to the ER by now. I just really hope that my pills come in tomorrow. I'm tired of this pain. I don't even know what I did to deserve it in the first place. Sigh. Two+ years of headaches and you would think I'd be used to this pain by now. Nope. It still sucks. Especially the bad days. I've been crying a lot more because normally whenever my head would get this bad, all I'd have to do is tell Randy and he would drop whatever it was that he was doing and come in and rub my head for me. I miss that. It always helped to relieve some of the tension. :(

So nothing much else going on. I think I'm freaking myself out a little bit though. On AWC, there have been like 3 girls with their boyfriends/husbands deployed who in the last 4 days have come on and said how their men want to leave them. I am afraid that Randy is going to do the same. I know I'm probably just being paranoid, but with everything going on over there, who knows? It doesn't help that for some reason he doesn't want to call me. It's been a month since I've talked to him on the phone.. Every time I talk to him about buying the card unit, he says he will. But he still hasn't. I know he is busy, believe me. But I'm selfish and I really just want to hear his voice. I think it would help so much if I could just hear his voice. I'd even be happy if they got internet back in their tents so I could webcam with him. So yeah, I just sit and question why he may not want to talk to me. And other than that our communication is pretty good. I get to talk to him online for 30 minutes almost every night. That is definitely really nice.. but see even lately, he hasn't really talked as much to me as he used to. He'll go 4 minutes without even replying.. and then when he does it's just a "lol" or something like that. I'm sure he's probably stressed to the max and I totally understand that.. but see after all these girls are posting about their SO's wanting to break up/divorce, it scares me. I know I'm just being paranoid, but I don't want to pester him about it either.

Anyways, still at my Mamas. Having a little bit of fun. We saw Bridesmaids on Saturday and it was one of the funniest movies I've seen in a long time. Definitely want to buy it when it comes out. I laughed so hard.. and my mom actually stayed awake during the whole thing, so she obviously enjoyed it too! haha.
Anywho, I think I'll be leaving on the 1st. Gives it time for my medicine to get here and extra money, and then I am on my way back to Kansas. I'm kinda looking forward to it. Not that I'm miserable here or anything of that nature, but Kansas is my home now. Our apartment is our apartment. Our stuff. I miss our stuff lol.

Alright well I do believe I feel a sleeping pill kicking in. Here is to a good night's rest. I hope my husband is getting the same.

Freaking the @#$% out!

I haven't talked to Randy in a couple days, and I figured something was up, but I didn't know what.. So this morning I checked the armyfrg website and there was a letter from the Captain, saying how there was a seriously injured soldier in Randy's company. I know it's not him because it said that the next of kin had already been notified.

This stuff scares me so bad. I had to take a xanax because I was freaking out so hard. I hate this. I hate him being over there in danger. I wonder if he helped the soldier who was hurt since he is one of the few medics in bravo.. but I don't know which platoon it was.. I am so friggin' scared right now. I just want my husband home, safe and in my arms. I can't stand this feeling.

So many prayers for this soldier and his family!

30 days!

We are officially at the 30 day mark. Not sure if this is a good milestone or a bad one.. because I can look at it one of two ways.

1.) 30 days down, a whole month has gone by, 1/12th of the way through this damn deployment.
                                                             or
2.) 30 days? Son of a bitch! 11 more effing months to go!

So you see my dilemma. :) As you can tell I've been having mood swings.. although someone came up with the PERFECT word for it.. deploymones. So true!

Anyways, sent Randy out two more care packages which I think he will be very happy with. Lots of junk food, haha but delicious stuff that I know he will love! And that is all that matters. I just want him to be happy over there despite all the circumstances. I want him to know that he is very well loved and missed and there are lots of people that want him to come home safely. I hate that he is away. I hate that he is in a war zone. I want to know that he's going to come home to me safe and sound and just the way he left. I'm so heartbroken him being gone.. and I'm very stressed out. I have broken out with so many pimples lately! It's horrible. I look like a damn teenager.. and no matter how many times I wash my face it just seems to be getting worse. I miss my clear skin! :P Though at least I will say that I haven't had to take a sleeping pill the last couple of days or the anti anxiety medicine. So that is good.. I'm sure once I get back home though I might need a little help again. Just because I'd be back in our bed and in our apartment all by myself.. except for the furbabies of course.

Speaking of them. I have decided to get Harvey neutered. We haven't done it yet because Randy didn't want his personality to change.. because when we had Lily spayed, she changed so much.. she went from being such a loving cat to honestly a little bitch.. but we still loved her the same.. and lately she's been acting all sweet again, but this is 3-4 years later. Anyways he/we didn't want Harvey to change.. well after a little research and money being a huge factor I decided to get him neutered while I'm up here. My vet in Kansas said to neuter Harvey it would cost about 90 dollars. Up here, to neuter him, is going to cost me 12. SO, I'm going to be saving 78 dollars.. plus I can get him his shots and those are only an additional 15 dollars. I feel bad for the little guy but it will get him to stop spraying and hopefully make him a little happier around these other cats here. I dunno.. I'm worried about him even though I'm sure he'll be fine. They say cats who are neutered/spayed live a lot longer and have less of a chance of developing testicular cancers and stuff. And I want my Harvey around for a very long time. Who else is going to sleep on my pillow? So this means I'm going to be leaving a little later than I had planned.. since he's going to have it done on Sunday. I need to make sure that he is fully recovered before I pack in him a car for 2 1/2 days.

Anyways, I better get off this thing. I taught Biff how to sit and I got it on camera so I need to go upload the video to youtube so Randy can see it. He'll  be so proud of his littlest!

Oh and 8.2% done with deployment! :)

So I've been here for about a week.. I think I'm going to stay maybe another week then head on home. I've been having such a great time being back. I saw Julie on Friday and got to meet her new boyfriend.. he seems like a pretty decent guy and I don't think I've ever seen her this happy before. She deserves to be though. She's such an amazing person with a heart of pure gold. While I was up there, the three of us walked through downtown Bellingham and had some delicious mocha's and this cute little coffee shop/bakery. Afterwards we went to a Cajun restaurant called "The Bayou". It was pretty damn yummy. I've never really had Cajun food before but I was impressed. Also with dinner I had a glass of wine that is actually made in Bellingham that was soo good, and after we left the restaurant they took me to the winery, and I bought a bottle. I haven't cracked it open yet though. I don't think my Mom has a corkscrew.. eh, I can probably ask the neighbor if I can borrow hers, I know she drinks a lot of wine.

On Saturday we went to my Aunt Lisa's for Aunt Rhondi's moving away party. I'll admit I was pretty nervous about going since I haven't seen anyone for so long and I really don't think anyone on my Dad's side of the family likes me very much.. but everything went better than I expected. I felt very loved and my family even wanted my phone number! It was a great time with good food and it was nice to catch up with everyone. It was nice to meet Chanelle's husband, Julian who just got out of the Army and just got back from Afghanistan. We talked for quite a bit and he was telling me all about the FOB that Randy is at because he had been there too. I learned a lot of new things from him and got some pointers from Chanelle.

Today (Sunday) Mom and I went and picked up Pam in Monroe and met Travis at Uncle Paul's.. he was showing us all the pictures he's found of old family members.. telling us how he's gotten really into geneology and how we are related to Lady Godiva. I thought that was pretty interesting. Never thought I was related to anyone famous, although I always knew I was royalty. bwahaha. After that him and Aunt Kathy took us to Duke's Chowderhouse down on Alki Beach. It was pretty delicious food and I had such a good time.. then we dropped Pam off and headed back home. It was such a great day and then I kicked myself because Justin sent me a text telling me Randy was online.. but I was 30 minutes away from home and he couldn't stay online. :( I was so upset that I missed him. Especially since I didn't get to talk to him yesterday or this morning either. I sent him an email though. And he finally got my care packages! Yay! It's actually 2:00 AM right now and I'm still awake because I'm hoping he makes it back online. And I swear if I fall asleep and then find out he was back on I'm going to be really upset!

I have a busy day planned out for tomorrow. I'm going to wake up, walk the boys, take a shower.. then I'm going to head to Monroe and pick up Brenda and we're going to go see Thor. Randy has been begging me to go and see it so I can let him know how it is, so we're going to go see the 1:05 showing.. then after that I'm going to stop at the Navy PX in Marysville and pick up a few more things for Randy's next care package. Right now he needs a new charger for his PSP, a new memory card, some razors and laundry soap. Really surprised that they don't have some for him over there.. really astonishing that he has to buy it himself and have it shopped over. Anyways I'm also going to pick up that other set of boxing gloves for him and see about mailing both sets to him as well... I think I'll be able to get it all together but I'm unfortunately not going to be able to do it all before the post office closes. Thank goodness I brought boxes from Kansas! That way I can get it all packed and ready before I go to the post office. I even brought customs forms with me. :) I know I'm a nerd, but I like to be prepared damnit! hehe.

So today we are at 7.4% of the way finished with deployment, and it's been 27 days since he's been gone. The first couple weeks dragged on so slow, or so it seemed. But now that we're almost at a month, it seems to have gone by quickly. I can only pray the rest of this deployment goes as fast. I know it's been less than a month but I am so ready to have my husband back home. And I'm also getting dissapointed fast because two of the girls whose husband/boyfriend deployed the same day as Randy are constantly on their facebook every single time they get a phone call. I haven't had a phone call in two weeks! Seriously! Later on today will be two weeks since I've heard his voice, and I miss it. I know I'm selfish, but I feel I'm entitled to be a little selfish at the moment. How come the other guys from his unit are able to call home but he can't/won't? I REALLY am grateful that I've been able to talk to him online, but half the time his internet conks out so I can't even get anything out.. although I do email him like 2-4 times a day. I can't help it.. its almost the only way I can keep him updated about everything that is going on over here.. although half the time he doesn't even reply to my emails. I don't want it to seem like I'm bitching, because I'm not really mad or anything. I'm just getting frustrated I guess? I hate being away from Randy.. he is the most important thing in my life and it sucks with him being gone. I'm just jealous that everyone gets phone calls from their guys and it's been two weeks for me. I know awhile ago he said he was waiting to find out if he was getting attatched to that other unit before he bought another phone card, but he's known that he isn't leaving for 4 days now. And even then he could go to the MWR phones.. granted it's only a 10 minute phone call, but it's free. Oh jeez, I know I sound horrible right now. I know he's got a lot of shit going on over there, and here I am sounding like a total bitchy spaz. I think I'm too tired. I really do enjoy hearing from my husband, even if it's just seeing his name on my buddy list. I just really miss him and it hurts a lot. :(

Oh, and before I get off this thing.. I'm getting really annoyed that my face looks like that of a 15 year old. Seriously, I haven't had this many zits since I was a teenager.. IF I had this many back then. I'm 27 and have more pimples than Randy's sister and two cousins combined. Is it from the stress? I've been washing my face every day.. I even started using two different kinds of face wash to try and clear it up, but its just not working. It is almost like every day it gets a little worse and there's another damn pimple popping up.. and they are almost all centered on my forehead. Only thing I can say is thank God for foundation and that I decided to get bangs! Helps hide it a little. :)

I'm here.

I made it safely to my Mom's. It's been really nice. And all the animals have been getting along pretty well too so that's good. A few little hisses coming out of Felix but other than that things are good.

She took me down to Logan Creek. It was awesome. I saw Debbie and April and it was so nice to see them. And then the residents started coming down for supper. I don't think I've gotten so many hugs in one time. I felt so blessed and so loved. It was wonderful to see all of them and talk with them again. I think Mom and I are going to go in during lunch tomorrow and see them again. I got the biggest hugs from Gladys, Anne, and Fen. But I was so truly happy while I was there. It truly felt great to see them all again and get such a wonderful welcome home.

I also saw Sharon. She was the first person I saw. I stopped in Everett before I got to my Mom's and saw her for a few minutes. She is soo skinny! But she looks great. I can't wait to see little Christofer and see how big he's gotten. He's 4 1/2 now. She doesn't post as many pictures on facebook so I dunno what he looks like.

It is so cold out here! And it's been raining all day. Sharon said I brought the rain with me. Haha, as soon as I got into WA it was raining and I was just like, "aww, I'm home!".

So onto other news.. Osama Bin Ladin is dead. I haven't watched much of the news so really not sure as to all the specifics. On one hand it's great news.. he killed soo many people. On the other hand I am 100% more worried about my Randy. I'm afraid there are going to be more riots and some kind of retaliation. I'm so worried about him and I can't stop it. Not even the Xanax is helping. :(

I think I hurt his feelings though and now I feel like shit. For the first time in a week I was able to talk to him online tonight.. well right now actually.. and I asked him what he thought about me moving back in with my mom for a few months to save extra money, until we got post housing.. and his reply was, "I already had to deal with you moving away once. I'm not going through that shit again." I left NY after that big blowout with his Uncle. I couldn't deal with it. But this was 3 years ago. I didn't know he still harbored feelings about it. Nor did I know that it hurt him so much at the time. I wanted to come back, I was just so afraid of his uncle. And then he moved over here to WA, and things were so much better. At least I thought so. I know he was depressed, but he would never talk to me about it. And then he joined the Army and we moved to Kansas. I've been so happy the last couple of years with him. Happier than I ever thought possible. I'm so in love with this man. Now I'm afraid I hurt his feelings, or that he's hiding resentment toward me for leaving. I never meant to hurt him.. and I would never want to. And now he's not even online. I'm hoping its just his internet being crappy and not him not wanting to talk to me.. because he signed on, then signed off immediately. I should have never opened my big mouth. I really hope he's not mad at me. I don't know if I could handle that. Oh God, this hurts. I just want to talk to him. I don't want him upset with me. I can only imagine how stressed he is already with everything going on over there. I don't want to add to it. I just want him here with me now so that I can show him how much I love him. So I can wrap my arms around him and tell him how much he means to me. To let him know how I think of him every day and that it hurts me so much that he's gone. To show  him and let him know how much I need him.

This sucks. :(

Oh, what a day! :D

So it's about 10:30 Mountain time, and I'm sitting on the bed of a Motel 6 in Casper, Wyoming sharing a bag of Chex Mix with my puppies. Really didn't think I was going to make it out today. I woke up at 5:30 AM got everything packed up in the car including the animals, and at around 6:30 I went to lock up the apartment and MY KEY WOULDN'T WORK! I did everything I could think of. I even took my screw driver and unlatched the whole thing, still wouldn't work. Thought okay, I'll just go out the front door. Went to go out that way, and THAT DOOR WOULDN'T LOCK! I was soo frustrated. So at around 7 I called up my landlord and he said he'd be over a little later to look at it.. so then I started freaking out because he doesn't know we have that other dog.. so I called up Chris and asked if  he would watch him for a couple hours. He said of course, so I packed up little baby Biff and drove him to the Hawthorne's. Then I drove back home and at about 9:10 Lane showed up.. took him about 15 minutes to install new locks on each door, then he gave me 2 new keys. THANK GOD that I cleaned up yesterday otherwise I would have been in big trouble. So then I repacked up the kittens and Odin, drove back to post.. picked up Biff and started my journey. Everything has been pretty smooth so far.. the only really big issue was about 10 minutes into our drive on the freeway, Biff threw up all over the backseat of the car. No good! So as soon as I saw a rest area I pulled in, cleaned it up, and took him out for a walk. He's been good ever since.

So aside from me being a constant worrier, things have been well. Surprisingly the day went by quickly and we got to Casper safe and sound. I pray that things continue this way. I just feel horrible for the animals being locked up in the car.

Right now the dogs are sleeping by the door even though I wish they were on the bed with me. And as it goes with me worrying, I'm fretting over Odin. The last 10 minutes or so he's been kinda mopey. I hope he's feeling okay. I just worry about my boys. I know he'll be super excited when he see's Grandma and Uncle Travis. :) And I'm going to be praying for him tonight and hope that he jumps in bed with his Mama! Also I hope Biff doesn't throw up again. :(

Anyways, I better get to sleep soon. It's already almost 11:00 pm and I want to get up semi-early, take a shower then get back on the road. I'm hoping to arrive at Amy and Tom's around 7-8pm.

Oh and before I forget, 18 days down and 5.2% done with deployment. :)

What a day! I got up early this morning to watch the Royal Wedding. It was so sweet! I felt like a little piece of my childhood was dying, haha.. I was in love with the Prince back in my early teenage years, haha! It was lovely though.. she looked so elegant although I thought her dress would have been a little more flashier, but she was beautiful none the less. I sent an email off to Randy saying that even though he didn't have a crown, he was still royalty to me and still my prince. <3 I love that man, little booger that he is. I haven't talked to him on the phone in almost 5 days, and I've only gotten one email in that time too. :( But I understand that he just arrived at the FOB, and I knew I wouldn't hear from him for a few days once he got there. I just pray that he's alright and our Lord just keeps that wall of fire around him and keeps him safe.

So I'm leaving in the morning to get to my mom's. I'm excited to see her. She took the week off of work so we could spend time together. I really do have the most awesomest mom in the world. She says she's going to take me out to do things to keep my mind busy. I love her. And I am so excited to eat some chicken teriyaki and yakisoba! mmm, although I know I am going to have some serious pity pains knowing that Randy isn't going to be able to have some, especially since it's one of his favorite foods. But maybe I'll be a meanie and take some pictures of me eating it for him. I'm such a bitch, lol.. but to be fair him and Hawthorne do that stuff all the time! :)

I've got almost everything all packed up.. just need my toothbrush/toothpaste, hairbrush, hair things.. gotta get the animals all set up to go. Grab the blanket I'm working on for Randy, and a few other things. I definitely need to clean up a little bit as well and take the trash out before I go. And I want to give my number to the neighbor's so they can let me know if anything is going on.

Anyways, that's about it for today. Right now I'm just relaxing a little bit before I start working on this house again. 17 days down and 4.8% of the way done with deployment. Still so much to go, but at least it's moving. I think being in WA is going to be really good for me and keep me busy and hopefully the next few weeks will fly by, as well as the next year. I can't wait to be with my husband again.

Not too bad of a day.

I've only cried once. :P And it was only for about 30 seconds before I calmed down. And then I had a little episode at the grocery store where I felt like I was going to start bawling but I held it in pretty well. Haven't even had to take a xanax today. Doesn't mean I miss him any less though. I've still spent all day thinking about him.

I was going to go to Heather's for a bit today and help her make cakes in jars, but I woke up too late, plus I'm severely broke and wouldn't have been able to chip in at all. Oh well, I plan on hanging out with her soon. It would have been good for me to get out of the house, but oh well. I did do a load of laundry downstairs which is good, because I had run out of towels! I used the last one this morning! Plus I was able to wash some of my yoga pants so that was good as well.

Ugh, and why do I have such bad luck? My husband is gone and I find a giant ass wasp flying around my kitchen, knocking itself into walls. I bundled up in my hoodie even though it was 72 degree's out. Now I have no idea where it is.. it's hiding.. which I guess is good in a way because I'm not as freaked about it if I can't see it. Still, wish he was here to get it for me. Before he left we saw two and he killed them both for me. He's my hero. <3  Plus he's my spider killer,  I saw one of those too, but was too afraid to do anything or get too close to it because I'm so afraid of spiders! GAH! Hopefully I won't see too many from here on out.

Also today is the 2 week mark. Why is it going by so slowly? It feels like so much longer than 2 weeks. This year needs to speed the heck up. I would like my husband home, thank you. Also, I want to know when he's coming home for R&R. I'm super excited for that even though I have no idea when it will be. I just can't wait to have him home. :)

What the heck?

How is it that I can have such a wonderful day yesterday feeling totally uplifted and happy and finding the strength to get through this deployment, then wake up this morning feeling like shit? Tomorrow is two weeks that he's been gone. Why isn't this getting any easier on me? I woke up with such a sick to my stomach feeling.. and I haven't cried yet but I can feel the tears welling up in me. I talked to him this morning and it wasn't like it was a bad phone call. He's feeling better.. said he was sick because he took his malaria pill without eating food with it. So he's feeling better. So why am I feeling like this? I just hate this fucking deployment.. it's going by so slowly. Only 2 weeks? I have 50 more to go. :( I just want my husband. I want to wrap my arms around him. I want to be able to talk to him more than I'm going to be allowed to. He says I probably won't hear from him for a few days since he's probably on his way right now to the FOB. I hate that I can't tell him I love him whenever I want to. I just want this deployment to be over with and I know it's not going to be for a long time and that hurts so much. I hate this!

Boo.

After I had such a great night at the neighbor's and was feeling better.. Randy got online.. and he's sick. Sick to  his stomach and throwing up. My poor baby. This hurts me because I'm not there to take care of him. I'm so worried about him. I hope it's nothing serious.. maybe nerve's or something. I just need and want my husband to be okay. I pray he feels better soon. And it sucks even more because he's leaving soon to go to the FOB, and I don't know when I'll be able to talk to him again.

THIS SUCKS! SCREW THIS DEPLOYMENT!

Okay, so I know I'm posting twice in one day, but I have to say how amazingly uplifted I feel after spending Easter with my neighbors. They are wonderful people who opened up their home and their heart to me so I wouldn't have to spend Easter alone. I feel so blessed to have been a part of their family dinner. They had wonderful friends over who gave me advice on the deployment and well as helped to answer any questions I had. The food was delicious, and the company even greater. Normally I'm very shy around people I don't know but I found myself opening up to them so easily. They told me not to think twice if there was anything I ever needed. Since Randy left this is the best that I've felt. I feel like I can handle this deployment if not kick it's ass instead of the other way around. Maybe it's just because I've had a couple beers in me, but I had such a great time and I am so happy that I went.

That is all. :)

It's Easter

The first of a long line of holidays that I will be spending alone. I know I've been writing a lot of really depressing stuff but I can't help it. I just miss him so much. 12 days down though. And my donut of misery says 3.4% done. Boo.. I wish it would speed up. It's almost been two weeks and it really hasn't gotten any easier for me. Although I did meet two new friends.

My neighbors, and not the crazy ones who fight all the time, but the ones who live next door. I've never talked with the wife, but I've spoken with the husband a few times and I know he's in the Army as well. He's a nice guy. Anyway, a few nights ago I was walking Biff, and he went to pee on their potted plant and I tried to shoo him away and yanked on his leash.. well without thinking as I did it, the leash tore off a whole bunch of their flowers. I was like, "oh, crap!" So I went and put Biff inside and knocked on their door and apologized and asked if I could buy them new ones but they were all okay with it.. said they'd grow back, no big deal. Well the next night or so I was walking Odin, and the husband was outside, so we started talking, and the wife came out.. And all of us started bashing our crummy landlord and the neighbor's that live downstairs. It was funny.. anyway, I told them how my husband had just deployed, and that I was having a rough time with it, and how my FRG didn't really give out any information.. well the husband pops up, "that's because FRG's don't know anything! if you  have any questions, write them down, and I'll get you better answers than your FRG will." I thought that was pretty awesome. I don't know his rank, but I know he's pretty high up there. Anyways they asked what I was doing for Easter and I said I have no plans and then they told me I was coming to their house. How awesome is that? They really don't know me very well and they invited me into their home for a family dinner. I'm feeling pretty blessed at the moment. And then last  night after walking Odin, I came home to a note on my door from Janet, (the wife) that said, "hey Holly! don't forget tomorrow at my house, 4:00, can't wait to see you there!" That's so cool! And even though I'm really akward around people I don't know very well because I'm shy, I'm going to go. I figure if anything it will get me out of the house, get me to meet new people, and if I find that I'm just too uncomfortable, then heck, I live right next door, I can go home anytime. :)

I got to talk to Randy this morning too. I didn't think I'd be able to because he is leaving tonight to go to his FOB. God, I miss him. It was so nice to hear his voice. But at the end of the convo, as soon as he said he loved me I burst into tears.. then kept crying and finally to a xanax to try and calm down. I hate crying all the time like this. I just want my husband home.. safe and sound, with me in his arms. I hate having to worry about him. I hate how this deployment is going so slow. :(

I'm going to be leaving for my mom's on Friday, when Randy gets paid. I just need to get out of the house. It sucks being here without him. Everything reminds me that he's gone. I think it will be really good for me to be around my mom and my old friends.

Speaking of friends.. I'm kinda feeling akward around Jennifer now. I don't know why but everytime we plan to hang out, she asks if her friends can come along. I'm not cool with that. Like last week we were supposed to go shopping together to get some things for Randy's next care package.. good idea right? We'd had it planned for 4 days.. then about 3 hours before we were supposed to meet up, she sends me a text asking if her friend can come.. I was like, wtf? But I didn't answer her.. then she sent me another text saying she wasn't going to make it because she had to be home early. Whatever. I don't care. It's not a huge deal to me, just really annoying. If I wanted to hang out with your friends too, then I would ask them myself to come along.

Anyway enough rambling.. Bottom line, I miss my fucking husband and want him to come home safe and sound. I hate him being over there. I hate worrying about something happening to him. I wish I could just crawl under a rock and sleep in a coma until this year is up and my husband is back home where he belongs.

Ugh.

It's only been 8 days. I am still so miserable. Last night I had a great night because I was able to talk to my Randy for about 30 minutes online. I was so happy and I actually slept for the first time since he left. I slept about 6 1/2 hours. Well, then I woke up this morning and all I could do was cry. I was so insanely upset and I didn't know why since I had such a great night talking to him before. But as I was walking Odin, my phone rang.. He couldn't have called at a more perfect time. I so needed to hear his voice at that moment. I feel horrible though because I was crying a little, but I hope he didn't mind. He sounded really tired but I was able to talk to him for about 21 minutes so that was nice.

I just miss him so much. This is so hard on me. I need my husband and I want him back with me. Everytime I think of him over there I just start to cry. I just want him to be okay.

He's gone...

I can't believe it. This is so much harder than I thought it would be. Tomorrow will be a week that he's  been gone and it has literally been the worst week of my life. I didn't think I was going to take it this hard but every time I think about him I start crying. I need my husband so badly. I just want him home. I want to wrap him up in my arms and kiss him for forever. I swear  I can barely stop crying. Even when I'm walking Odin, I'm bawling the entire time. I will say one thing.. these dogs have been the only thing keeping me remotely sane. Both of them have been so extra loving with me.. and so protective! I've never seen it before. Someone will be walking by outside down  on the sidewalk and Biff will run to the window and start growling.. then Odin will get up and start barking right along with him. Neither one of them have ever done that before. I know I will be safe while he's gone because I have two great dogs. They are the best. Speaking of which, right now I have Odin laying next to me with his head on my lap. He has been so amazing.

I'm so heartbroken. I feel like someone has thrown a giant rock on top of me and I'm sinking into dirt. I can't sleep, I can't eat. I've already lost 4 lbs which is GREAT, except that it's because I can't stand to eat anything. I'll be starving, go to eat something, take two bites and just want to throw it up. And this sleeping thing is horrible. I just want to sleep.. maybe time will go by faster if I'm asleep. Yet I am able to fall asleep easily enough, but within an hour or two I'm awake and nothing will help me get back. I'm so miserable without him. I just can't seem to function. I'm trying to be strong but it is so hard. I can only imagine what he is going through over there. Or what he will be going through. I'm so scared for him. I don't want anything to happen to him.. I just want to lay down next to him and crawl into his nook. That is always the most comfortable place for me. Always has been. This year needs to go by quickly. I need him home. I just can't bear the thought of him over there. I really wish this was easier but each day that goes by, just doesn't. I miss my husband.

Some days I think I'll be starting to get better.. then one little thought of him and my world crumbles. Back to the tears. And my poor puppies. The last couple days both of them were getting diarreah.. I dunno if it's because they miss their Daddy, or because they see how upset I am. Little Biff.. the first couple days after he left, around 5:00 when Randy normally gets home.. would go and lay down by the door. Like he was waiting for him to come home. And Odin would constantly run to the door and just stare at it. These animals definitely are the only thing holding me together though. I would be lost without them. Even though it sucks being the only one walking them, haha.

I talked to Randy on Saturday night.. he sounded so miserable.. like he was really depressed. I don't think I've ever heard him sound like that. When I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.. just said that he was up late because they kept him out all night. But I know better. I just need him to be okay. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone or anything. He is the most important thing in my life and I need him.

Dear God, please keep my husband safe. Protect him in your arms, and keep him and his unit with you. Open his eyes so he knows and is careful of his surroundings and if a case arises, please let him be the best medic out there and help him to save lives. I pray to you Lord for a peaceful deployment, a speedy year for both of us, and let him come home to me. Amen.

On a positive note when I talked to him he did say that he was going to have wi-fi in the tents when he gets to the FOB. You know what that means? Webcam time! I can't wait to see his handsome face.

Thank God!

Our lovely government waited until the last possible moment but they pulled through. No government shutdown! Yay! Now my honey doesn't have to stress about finances while he's over there risking his life for this country. And I get to go see my Mom and friends in WA next weekend! Yay!

In other news, last Wednesday we got a date. :( Only  a few days now. I can't stop crying but I'm doing okay. I know I'm going to be a wreck on the day he leaves and probably the rest of the deployment but I am happy that I get a little extra time with him. Bless his heart, he's out now doing laundry for me so  I don't have to do it after he's gone. I am such a lucky woman. <3

I understand the workings of the government and the Army, but sometimes they really piss me off. Like this whole scare about military personel not getting paid on the 15th. What the hell is that about? Congress can't get their act together fast enough. It's really not fair. Our soldiers are out there working their asses off to protect this country and this is the thanks they get? How about the families that don't have any savings built? Like us? We're just supposed to expect bill collectors to let us slide for awhile because we have no money? Doesn't seem very fair to me. It's like, "hey, we know you're defending our country, but we're gonna make you come to work anyway and not get paid for it".. it's such a slap in the face to the men and women who are sacrificing their lives for it. I really hope they figure things out soon because I'm gonna be ANGRY if my husband doesn't get paid on the 15th.

On another angry Army note.. my husband is deploying soon.. yet they can't bother to give him  a DATE? How soon in advance is he going to know? How come some soldiers in his unit have their orders and know when they're leaving, but he doesn't?! When does he get his orders? Ugh.. I really don't want to wake up one morning just to find out that hey, you got X amount of hours left before your husband is gone. It's bad enough that I'm dreading him leaving in the first place.

Okay, so there are my rants for the day. Haha.. At least they released him early today so I get the afternoon with him. <3 I love this man!

New day

So I decided to start this new blog/journal to justify my thoughts and put them down during my husband's first deployment. No one will probably ever read this but it helps me to put my thoughts down, and I think it might help with the ease of this deployment. Or at least I'm hoping so. Haha! :)

First things first, I'm married to this incredible human being, Randy. I've known him since I was about 14, we've been together for 5 1/2 years and been married for a little over 2 years. Best time in my life I'll tell ya.

In November of 2008, he decided to join the Army. He signed up for 4 years as a 68W. (Combat Medic) I couldn't be more proud of him as he's serving our country and his family. I find that I fall more in love with him a little bit every day.

We don't have any kids yet but we plan on it soon. We do have four furbaby's though. Odin and Biff, who are American Bulldogs, and two cats; Lily and Harvey. We have a very happy little family that I wouldn't trade for anything.

So he hasn't actually deployed yet.. We're still in the "PRE-D" stage.. but it's going to be very soon. A little too soon actually and the time certainly snuck up on me. I've been dreading it for a couple months now, and I find at as the time gets closer I get more emotional. For the last two weeks I have cried at least once every day. I'm going to miss him so much and I'm worried about him.  But I pray every day that God keeps him safe over there. Plus I can't wait for R&R. :) Two weeks of having him all to myself during this deployment.

I've just been an emotional wreck the last couple weeks.. but I know that I have a good support system to help me out. After he leaves I plan on driving back to WA to spend a couple weeks with my Mom and friends, then I'll head back down here, and hopefully soon we'll get a call that our house is available on post. (we've been on the housing list for 3 months!) After that I plan on going to NY and spending a couple weeks with all my in-laws and then grabbing his cousins and little sister and having them spend the summer with me. And thennnnnnn after that I would like to start school. It's something I've wanted to do for awhile but I'm a huge procrastinator and haven't yet.. which is why I'm 27 and just quit a crappy department store job. :\ Oh well... but anyways I think going back to school would really help with this deployment and keep me very busy, which is what I need. :)

Well I guess that's it for now. Need to finish my cup of coffee, (almond joy flavored coffee creamer is the best btw) and get my boys out for their morning walks.