Shit..

So I did it. I confronted Randy. Well, I sent him an email. I told him that I knew what he was doing, who he was talking to, etc.. what really made me do it was him sending the naked pictures of himself out to those girls.. one even replied, "wow, was not expecting that! made me wet, so sexy". That was the last straw for me.

I'm so fucked up.. this is how messed up I am.. Even though he did these things to me.. I'm worried about him. Worried how he is going to feel being confronted, and worried about his reaction. I'm worried that I shouldn't have confronted him since he is deployed and he needs to have his mind on his mission and not back home. Maybe that was wrong of me, I don't know.. but this isn't fair to me. I've signed off my messengers so he can either call me once he gets it or email me back. I honestly don't feel like talking to him.. and I am so scared of what his reaction is going to be to this. I'm nervous. Don't get me wrong, I am super pissed off, but I should be more angry with the situation and not giving a crap what he thinks but instead I'm worried about him. I love him so much that I'm more worried about him right now than I am myself.

I want so badly to go into his email and delete it before he can find it. Part of me wants to because I love him so much that I don't want to lose him. But I can't keep letting this happen. It hurts too badly. I know I don't deserve this. But I'm afraid by me sending him that email.. that might be the end of our marriage.. and I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. :(

Wish me luck.

Another month down..

So I know I haven't updated this thing in awhile.. Not sure why, just haven't thought to do it.

R&R came and went.. It was pretty awesome.. I enjoyed most of it. I think he did too. We didn't have sex at all which really sucked.. I thought at least he would take that pill he had left and he still didn't. My feelings were hurt for awhile, but oh well. I am starting to realize that even though tests came back about him, that part of it is still me and will always be me.. other than that I can't explain most of his actions anymore.

I love this man with everything in me. I have given up so much to be with him.. twice. Everything I do or don't do, is for him. I do everything for him and he knows this. And yet it is never enough. I don't think I am enough for him at all no matter how hard I try to be.

He just won't stop. And I don't know where to go from here. I definitely can't even confront him on anything until he comes home no matter how much I want to. I just don't even know what to think. He will tell me one thing and act one way with me and then turn it around completely and talk differently with other women telling them different things. I've had it, but I am so fucking in love with this man that I don't even want to leave him. I think right now what I'm going to do is just not talk to him for a few days. If he wants to get ahold of me then he can. He has no idea that I know about everything.. and it's not even something that has happened during this deployment.. it has been happening for a long time. And I have known about it and just let it slide.. over and over again I have just let it slide.. and I don't want to let it slide anymore. I don't know why I've kept my eyes closed to it.. maybe because love is blind? I dunno..all I know is if I'm not enough for him then that is not enough for me..

:(

30% done!

Almost 1/3 of the way finished! I am so excited.. R&R is coming up soon.. (less than two months away!) I can't wait to have him back home with me. I miss him so much. And I'm so glad he decided to come home for R&R instead of going to NY. I'm going to make sure he has a great time and is super relaxed. I plan on doing everything for him! haha.

Biff got neutered today. Poor little turkey booger. He's sleeping now and hates his cone. I just really hope that it calms him down and him and Odin STOP fighting. They got into another fight Saturday night and during the breaking them up process I broke my toe. It hurts soooo bad. I'm not even sure how it happened honestly.. it didn't start hurting until the next day when I woke up and noticed it was purple and bent to the left! It hurts like a bitch though. Ugh. And it's such a pain in the ass to go up and down the stairs.. Oh well.. it's gonna take 4 weeks to heal, and hopefully the pain goes away. Right now it's buddy taped and it hurts. It's soo ugly looking. And what is really funny is just last week I was bragging to Kara, Chandra, and Jennifer about how I've never broken a bone in my life before. Oops, spoke too soon and should have knocked on wood!

I have a love/hate relationship with these surprise homecomings show on TV.. I love watching the reunions of loved ones, but it just  makes me so sad that it's going to be awhile before I see my soldier again. I just want him home and I want this deployment to END. And I'm even more upset now because not only does he NOT have wifi in his tent, but they are getting rid of the MWR office.. so no phone calls, no internet.. I might get a 5 minute sattelite phone call here and there, but there is one phone for over 200 soldiers, and it breaks up all the time. Don't get me wrong, I am glad to hear from him when I do, but I'm being very selfish right now. The other guys that deployed all have wifi in their rooms and get to webcam with their spouse's ALL the time and talk to them several times a day. I now have no idea what is going on with my husband and I think it's bullshit. There is an FRG meeting on the 7th that I am going to and I am definitely going to say something about it and speak my mind. It's complete bullshit honestly. Nice way to treat your soldiers. I hope there is a good excuse for doing this to them! It makes me so mad! :(

Anyways, I'm gonna go love up on Biffers since he isn't feeling so well from his surgery today. R&R is almost 30% away! :) Literally counting down the days now! I even have them written down on the calendar on my fridge.

So we are sitting pretty right now at 29.2% done with the deployment. I wish it was more. I've been having a really mopey last couple of days but that is because I haven't talked to him. I keep missing him online. The first couple days he was out on a mission and wasn't able to get on a computer and then yesterday I had to have two root canals done, and then today I was laying on the couch and had the computer on the couch with me and I ended up falling asleep and the stupid computer didn't go off when he came online. I was so upset. I just really miss my husband and I want him back so bad. I keep counting down the days until R&R and I am so excited for that but I want him home for good. It's going to be hard as hell to see him go back there. I hope the two weeks that he is here, time just stops and drags on. Sigh.

I am however so insanely happy being in this new place. And the animals love it too. It's awesome. So big and they love their fence; I love being able to put them OUT in their fence. :) And I love love love my new neighbor. Kara and her friend Chandra. I instantly hit it off with them and I am so happy to have someone to talk to who knows exactly what I'm going through with this deployment. We hang out every day. They are awesome girls. I did have Jennifer staying with me for about 3 weeks because her and Chris are still having issues. I don't even know what to think or say about that. I love the girl to death but she has just changed so much the last few months. She is almost a different person completely. And she drove me crazy while she was here. Oh boy did she, haha. But she left a couple days ago and moved back in with Chris.. supposedly just as roommates until September because then she is going to take the kids and move back to Kentucky.. however she is leading Chris on like crazy because she is making out with him and when he stops it she gets angry and cries.. ugh, I hate being in the middle of someone else's drama. Seriously, I hate it. And I got into a fight with both of them last week because I told them how much I couldn't deal with it. I'm not picking sides and I won't be in the middle. I will be friends to both of them and listen to whatever they need but that is it. And I think Jennifer is a little mad at me because I'm friends with Chris and I've been talking to him. But he has been a really good friend to ME lately.. helping me get through the deployment, giving me advice and honestly just being a really good listener and friend. I appreciate all he has done for me. Anyways, I hope that whatever happens between the two of them, that they will be happy. They both deserve happiness.

Not a whole lot else going on. Just spending LOTS of money on these animals. In the last three weeks I have spent 850 dollars on them. Between the vaccinations, microchips, Odin's fight, and then Harvey's little flu bug.. yeah, 850$. And then in 5 days Biff is supposed to be getting neutered and that is going to be another 250 dollars. I want to cancel the appointment because it is so much money but he needs to have it done. I want to save up for R&R but it's hard constantly spending so much money on the pets. Of course they are all  happy and healthy now and that is really all that matters, it just sucks having to spend so much cash. I am going to go back to work R&R.. thinking about going back into waitressing just because the money is so much better and I like to think I'm somewhat good at it. :) Next week though I am going to go down to Barton Community College and look into getting my GED. I've procrastinated on that for 10 years now. I honestly have been too scared to do it. I'm afraid I'm going to fail it. Failure is a huge fear of mine. So I plan on taking the pre-test and seeing what I need to work on, then taking some of the classes that they offer to study up for it.. and then take the test. I really want to pass. And then I would like to start taking some other kind of classes to better myself. And I've been wanting to do that for awhile.. and I think it would be great if I did it while Randy is deployed because hopefully I can be making good money doing something I enjoy doing and we can be happy in that department. I don't want him to be the only one bringing in income. He's been pretty awesome and he spoils me so much. I love my husband.

Well, I better finish this up. I just haven't written in awhile so I thought I'd blog a little. It always helps to write out my thoughts. I just think sometimes that I'm too depressing because all I usually write about is how much I miss my husband.

Oh! And he got another award! For his last mission, he was called out in front of hundreds of soldiers and was given a certificate, a coin, and some promotion points. I am so damn proud of him. He amazes me more and more every day, I swear I am the luckiest girl in the world. He's saving lives.. I couldn't be more proud of him. I was even able to see some pictures that someone took of him recieving the award and shaking the guys hand. I'm definitely impressed. Like I have said 1,000 times.. I love this man! :)

Also, 66% done until R&R.. wish it would speed up!

So I've officially been in our new place for 4 days now. I am soooooo in love with it. It's huge! I wish Randy was here with me though. :(

I do have to say that I LOVE my new neighbor and her best friend. I have gotten so close to them in the few days that I've been here. It's seriously so nice to actually have good friends that know what I'm going through and who are so awesome. My first day here they gave me a free ticket to the Country Stampede.. how cool was that? And they didn't even know me except for a few minutes talking the night before while we were outside smoking. Right now she's doing my laundry for me, haha. I really like them though. I'm so glad I moved in here. I am soo happy to be here.

Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment, just a tooth cleaning, but afterwards I'm going to head to the apartment and clean the shit out of it. I really don't want to because I hate the landlords, but I need to. I need to replace the burner thingies.. but I'm so broke right now until payday. This move cost more than I thought it would for us.. Anyways, I gotta see if my mom will loan some money so I can take care of that. After that we should be good.

So my new neighbors have a friend named Amy, and her husband is deployed with Randy.. I met her today.. anyway, there is a rumor going around I guess that the boys are coming home early! I know it's just a rumor but I can't help but get extremely excited about the possibility of it. I know if it doesn't happen then I'm going to be so disappointed, but I have my fingers and toes crossed so tightly! And it's still quite a ways off, but earlier than expected and any earlier is okay with me. I really miss him. It was starting to get a little easier, but lately I just find myself crying for no reason at all and more often. I hate the seperation. I love this man so much and it hurts to be without him. And I just want him to be okay.. there's a lot of horrible scary shit going on over there and I'm so afraid for him. I just want him to be okay. I want him to come home to me safe and sound and all in one piece. I don't want him to have PTSD when he comes home. I just want my husband back, damnit. I need him.

Sigh, anyways, I'm gonna head out and have a cigarette and then come back in and catch up on some True Blood. Oh my gosh, I have DVR now.. never had one before.. haha it's pretty awesome. I'm spoiled. My husband spoils the shit out of me. I love it. :) <3

So it's been awhile since I wrote last. Basically.. I am in our new beautiful home here in Fort Riley. It's a 3 bedroom townhome, and the dogs are loving all the space. It's a little bittersweet though since I wish my Randy was here. The movers all came  yesterday and packed everything up and brought it here so now its down to me to just unpack everything. I already have internet and cable hooked up but I'm thinking about installing a phone since I get really crappy service down here. It works, but the calls are constantly getting dropped and I really don't want that to happen to one of Randy's phone calls.

Anyways, today is his birthday. I wish he was here to spend it with me. My husband is 29 years old. I can't believe it. Still as handsome as ever though. :) I wish I could make him a cake and just spoil him to pieces today. I guess I'll just have to make it up to him when he comes home.

Other than that, nothing really new is going on. Just staying busy unpacking everything. The new home is beautiful though. I am so happy here. Totally in love with this place.

OH! And 20.6% done with this deployment. I can't believe I'm almost a quarter of the way through this damn thing! Just a couple weeks and I'll be there. EFF YOU DEPLOYMENT! Unless you want to speed up and send my husband home quickly... :)

So I'm home. Things have been good, the rest of the ride was pretty uneventful. I am very happy to be home but sad at the same time because my Randy is not here with me. Sigh. It's definitely hard being here alone. But I have a pretty busy week ahead of me. Monday I have a dentist appointment because right now I have an abscessed tooth. My left cheek looks like I have a golfball in it. It sucks. At least the antibiotics have kicked in so I'm not in any pain anymore. Yay for that!

I also got two phone calls during the trip back home from my lovey. It totally made me feel so much better and happier. Everytime I hear his voice I get a huge smile on my face. I love that man. Tonight I was having an emotional breakdown over a lot of things. For one, we need new tires on the car, we also need new brakes and to have the rotors grinded down. Well I got in the car tonight to go to the store and the effing dashboard lights don't work anymore. It just made me so upset that I just started crying about everything. I hate being back in this apartment without him here. I miss Randy. So much that it hurts to breathe sometimes. Anyways, with all that going on, I was pretty upset, and he came online. I told him how I am going to have a busy week this week.. and my dear sweet husband who is always thinking of me even from 6,000 miles away, says to me, "make sure you have some fun in between your busy week, go see a movie and treat yourself to something nice". I fucking love him. He always knows how to make me feel better. I am so lucky!!

Anyways, so on Monday I have that dentist appointment, Tuesday I have the mover guy coming over to take a quick inventory of everything we have. Wednesday I have my doctor's appointment, and then on Thursday I have to go to a moving brief on post. And thennnn next Tuesday I get the keys to our new place! It's awesome! And then on the 25th the movers will be here and I will officially be all moved in! I can't wait, I am so excited. Just wish Randy was here to share in my excitement.

Anywho, I better get to sleep. I am a tired girl and it is 3 AM. I've been watching Weeds on netflix and this show is addicting! But it is taking my mind off of other things so that is great. :)

Also, before I forget.. 62.3% until R&R, and we are 16.7% done with this damn deployment. It's getting there. Slowly but surely. He's been gone 61 days. I can't believe I've made it this far. :) There is a lot left to go, but we're gonna make it. It will be okay. :) Just can't wait until I get my husband back!