After I had such a great night at the neighbor's and was feeling better.. Randy got online.. and he's sick. Sick to his stomach and throwing up. My poor baby. This hurts me because I'm not there to take care of him. I'm so worried about him. I hope it's nothing serious.. maybe nerve's or something. I just need and want my husband to be okay. I pray he feels better soon. And it sucks even more because he's leaving soon to go to the FOB, and I don't know when I'll be able to talk to him again.
THIS SUCKS! SCREW THIS DEPLOYMENT!
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Okay, so I know I'm posting twice in one day, but I have to say how amazingly uplifted I feel after spending Easter with my neighbors. They are wonderful people who opened up their home and their heart to me so I wouldn't have to spend Easter alone. I feel so blessed to have been a part of their family dinner. They had wonderful friends over who gave me advice on the deployment and well as helped to answer any questions I had. The food was delicious, and the company even greater. Normally I'm very shy around people I don't know but I found myself opening up to them so easily. They told me not to think twice if there was anything I ever needed. Since Randy left this is the best that I've felt. I feel like I can handle this deployment if not kick it's ass instead of the other way around. Maybe it's just because I've had a couple beers in me, but I had such a great time and I am so happy that I went.
That is all. :)
That is all. :)
It's Easter
The first of a long line of holidays that I will be spending alone. I know I've been writing a lot of really depressing stuff but I can't help it. I just miss him so much. 12 days down though. And my donut of misery says 3.4% done. Boo.. I wish it would speed up. It's almost been two weeks and it really hasn't gotten any easier for me. Although I did meet two new friends.
My neighbors, and not the crazy ones who fight all the time, but the ones who live next door. I've never talked with the wife, but I've spoken with the husband a few times and I know he's in the Army as well. He's a nice guy. Anyway, a few nights ago I was walking Biff, and he went to pee on their potted plant and I tried to shoo him away and yanked on his leash.. well without thinking as I did it, the leash tore off a whole bunch of their flowers. I was like, "oh, crap!" So I went and put Biff inside and knocked on their door and apologized and asked if I could buy them new ones but they were all okay with it.. said they'd grow back, no big deal. Well the next night or so I was walking Odin, and the husband was outside, so we started talking, and the wife came out.. And all of us started bashing our crummy landlord and the neighbor's that live downstairs. It was funny.. anyway, I told them how my husband had just deployed, and that I was having a rough time with it, and how my FRG didn't really give out any information.. well the husband pops up, "that's because FRG's don't know anything! if you have any questions, write them down, and I'll get you better answers than your FRG will." I thought that was pretty awesome. I don't know his rank, but I know he's pretty high up there. Anyways they asked what I was doing for Easter and I said I have no plans and then they told me I was coming to their house. How awesome is that? They really don't know me very well and they invited me into their home for a family dinner. I'm feeling pretty blessed at the moment. And then last night after walking Odin, I came home to a note on my door from Janet, (the wife) that said, "hey Holly! don't forget tomorrow at my house, 4:00, can't wait to see you there!" That's so cool! And even though I'm really akward around people I don't know very well because I'm shy, I'm going to go. I figure if anything it will get me out of the house, get me to meet new people, and if I find that I'm just too uncomfortable, then heck, I live right next door, I can go home anytime. :)
I got to talk to Randy this morning too. I didn't think I'd be able to because he is leaving tonight to go to his FOB. God, I miss him. It was so nice to hear his voice. But at the end of the convo, as soon as he said he loved me I burst into tears.. then kept crying and finally to a xanax to try and calm down. I hate crying all the time like this. I just want my husband home.. safe and sound, with me in his arms. I hate having to worry about him. I hate how this deployment is going so slow. :(
I'm going to be leaving for my mom's on Friday, when Randy gets paid. I just need to get out of the house. It sucks being here without him. Everything reminds me that he's gone. I think it will be really good for me to be around my mom and my old friends.
Speaking of friends.. I'm kinda feeling akward around Jennifer now. I don't know why but everytime we plan to hang out, she asks if her friends can come along. I'm not cool with that. Like last week we were supposed to go shopping together to get some things for Randy's next care package.. good idea right? We'd had it planned for 4 days.. then about 3 hours before we were supposed to meet up, she sends me a text asking if her friend can come.. I was like, wtf? But I didn't answer her.. then she sent me another text saying she wasn't going to make it because she had to be home early. Whatever. I don't care. It's not a huge deal to me, just really annoying. If I wanted to hang out with your friends too, then I would ask them myself to come along.
Anyway enough rambling.. Bottom line, I miss my fucking husband and want him to come home safe and sound. I hate him being over there. I hate worrying about something happening to him. I wish I could just crawl under a rock and sleep in a coma until this year is up and my husband is back home where he belongs.
My neighbors, and not the crazy ones who fight all the time, but the ones who live next door. I've never talked with the wife, but I've spoken with the husband a few times and I know he's in the Army as well. He's a nice guy. Anyway, a few nights ago I was walking Biff, and he went to pee on their potted plant and I tried to shoo him away and yanked on his leash.. well without thinking as I did it, the leash tore off a whole bunch of their flowers. I was like, "oh, crap!" So I went and put Biff inside and knocked on their door and apologized and asked if I could buy them new ones but they were all okay with it.. said they'd grow back, no big deal. Well the next night or so I was walking Odin, and the husband was outside, so we started talking, and the wife came out.. And all of us started bashing our crummy landlord and the neighbor's that live downstairs. It was funny.. anyway, I told them how my husband had just deployed, and that I was having a rough time with it, and how my FRG didn't really give out any information.. well the husband pops up, "that's because FRG's don't know anything! if you have any questions, write them down, and I'll get you better answers than your FRG will." I thought that was pretty awesome. I don't know his rank, but I know he's pretty high up there. Anyways they asked what I was doing for Easter and I said I have no plans and then they told me I was coming to their house. How awesome is that? They really don't know me very well and they invited me into their home for a family dinner. I'm feeling pretty blessed at the moment. And then last night after walking Odin, I came home to a note on my door from Janet, (the wife) that said, "hey Holly! don't forget tomorrow at my house, 4:00, can't wait to see you there!" That's so cool! And even though I'm really akward around people I don't know very well because I'm shy, I'm going to go. I figure if anything it will get me out of the house, get me to meet new people, and if I find that I'm just too uncomfortable, then heck, I live right next door, I can go home anytime. :)
I got to talk to Randy this morning too. I didn't think I'd be able to because he is leaving tonight to go to his FOB. God, I miss him. It was so nice to hear his voice. But at the end of the convo, as soon as he said he loved me I burst into tears.. then kept crying and finally to a xanax to try and calm down. I hate crying all the time like this. I just want my husband home.. safe and sound, with me in his arms. I hate having to worry about him. I hate how this deployment is going so slow. :(
I'm going to be leaving for my mom's on Friday, when Randy gets paid. I just need to get out of the house. It sucks being here without him. Everything reminds me that he's gone. I think it will be really good for me to be around my mom and my old friends.
Speaking of friends.. I'm kinda feeling akward around Jennifer now. I don't know why but everytime we plan to hang out, she asks if her friends can come along. I'm not cool with that. Like last week we were supposed to go shopping together to get some things for Randy's next care package.. good idea right? We'd had it planned for 4 days.. then about 3 hours before we were supposed to meet up, she sends me a text asking if her friend can come.. I was like, wtf? But I didn't answer her.. then she sent me another text saying she wasn't going to make it because she had to be home early. Whatever. I don't care. It's not a huge deal to me, just really annoying. If I wanted to hang out with your friends too, then I would ask them myself to come along.
Anyway enough rambling.. Bottom line, I miss my fucking husband and want him to come home safe and sound. I hate him being over there. I hate worrying about something happening to him. I wish I could just crawl under a rock and sleep in a coma until this year is up and my husband is back home where he belongs.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Ugh.
It's only been 8 days. I am still so miserable. Last night I had a great night because I was able to talk to my Randy for about 30 minutes online. I was so happy and I actually slept for the first time since he left. I slept about 6 1/2 hours. Well, then I woke up this morning and all I could do was cry. I was so insanely upset and I didn't know why since I had such a great night talking to him before. But as I was walking Odin, my phone rang.. He couldn't have called at a more perfect time. I so needed to hear his voice at that moment. I feel horrible though because I was crying a little, but I hope he didn't mind. He sounded really tired but I was able to talk to him for about 21 minutes so that was nice.
I just miss him so much. This is so hard on me. I need my husband and I want him back with me. Everytime I think of him over there I just start to cry. I just want him to be okay.
I just miss him so much. This is so hard on me. I need my husband and I want him back with me. Everytime I think of him over there I just start to cry. I just want him to be okay.
Monday, April 18, 2011
He's gone...
I can't believe it. This is so much harder than I thought it would be. Tomorrow will be a week that he's been gone and it has literally been the worst week of my life. I didn't think I was going to take it this hard but every time I think about him I start crying. I need my husband so badly. I just want him home. I want to wrap him up in my arms and kiss him for forever. I swear I can barely stop crying. Even when I'm walking Odin, I'm bawling the entire time. I will say one thing.. these dogs have been the only thing keeping me remotely sane. Both of them have been so extra loving with me.. and so protective! I've never seen it before. Someone will be walking by outside down on the sidewalk and Biff will run to the window and start growling.. then Odin will get up and start barking right along with him. Neither one of them have ever done that before. I know I will be safe while he's gone because I have two great dogs. They are the best. Speaking of which, right now I have Odin laying next to me with his head on my lap. He has been so amazing.
I'm so heartbroken. I feel like someone has thrown a giant rock on top of me and I'm sinking into dirt. I can't sleep, I can't eat. I've already lost 4 lbs which is GREAT, except that it's because I can't stand to eat anything. I'll be starving, go to eat something, take two bites and just want to throw it up. And this sleeping thing is horrible. I just want to sleep.. maybe time will go by faster if I'm asleep. Yet I am able to fall asleep easily enough, but within an hour or two I'm awake and nothing will help me get back. I'm so miserable without him. I just can't seem to function. I'm trying to be strong but it is so hard. I can only imagine what he is going through over there. Or what he will be going through. I'm so scared for him. I don't want anything to happen to him.. I just want to lay down next to him and crawl into his nook. That is always the most comfortable place for me. Always has been. This year needs to go by quickly. I need him home. I just can't bear the thought of him over there. I really wish this was easier but each day that goes by, just doesn't. I miss my husband.
Some days I think I'll be starting to get better.. then one little thought of him and my world crumbles. Back to the tears. And my poor puppies. The last couple days both of them were getting diarreah.. I dunno if it's because they miss their Daddy, or because they see how upset I am. Little Biff.. the first couple days after he left, around 5:00 when Randy normally gets home.. would go and lay down by the door. Like he was waiting for him to come home. And Odin would constantly run to the door and just stare at it. These animals definitely are the only thing holding me together though. I would be lost without them. Even though it sucks being the only one walking them, haha.
I talked to Randy on Saturday night.. he sounded so miserable.. like he was really depressed. I don't think I've ever heard him sound like that. When I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.. just said that he was up late because they kept him out all night. But I know better. I just need him to be okay. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone or anything. He is the most important thing in my life and I need him.
Dear God, please keep my husband safe. Protect him in your arms, and keep him and his unit with you. Open his eyes so he knows and is careful of his surroundings and if a case arises, please let him be the best medic out there and help him to save lives. I pray to you Lord for a peaceful deployment, a speedy year for both of us, and let him come home to me. Amen.
On a positive note when I talked to him he did say that he was going to have wi-fi in the tents when he gets to the FOB. You know what that means? Webcam time! I can't wait to see his handsome face.
I'm so heartbroken. I feel like someone has thrown a giant rock on top of me and I'm sinking into dirt. I can't sleep, I can't eat. I've already lost 4 lbs which is GREAT, except that it's because I can't stand to eat anything. I'll be starving, go to eat something, take two bites and just want to throw it up. And this sleeping thing is horrible. I just want to sleep.. maybe time will go by faster if I'm asleep. Yet I am able to fall asleep easily enough, but within an hour or two I'm awake and nothing will help me get back. I'm so miserable without him. I just can't seem to function. I'm trying to be strong but it is so hard. I can only imagine what he is going through over there. Or what he will be going through. I'm so scared for him. I don't want anything to happen to him.. I just want to lay down next to him and crawl into his nook. That is always the most comfortable place for me. Always has been. This year needs to go by quickly. I need him home. I just can't bear the thought of him over there. I really wish this was easier but each day that goes by, just doesn't. I miss my husband.
Some days I think I'll be starting to get better.. then one little thought of him and my world crumbles. Back to the tears. And my poor puppies. The last couple days both of them were getting diarreah.. I dunno if it's because they miss their Daddy, or because they see how upset I am. Little Biff.. the first couple days after he left, around 5:00 when Randy normally gets home.. would go and lay down by the door. Like he was waiting for him to come home. And Odin would constantly run to the door and just stare at it. These animals definitely are the only thing holding me together though. I would be lost without them. Even though it sucks being the only one walking them, haha.
I talked to Randy on Saturday night.. he sounded so miserable.. like he was really depressed. I don't think I've ever heard him sound like that. When I asked him what was wrong, he said nothing.. just said that he was up late because they kept him out all night. But I know better. I just need him to be okay. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone or anything. He is the most important thing in my life and I need him.
Dear God, please keep my husband safe. Protect him in your arms, and keep him and his unit with you. Open his eyes so he knows and is careful of his surroundings and if a case arises, please let him be the best medic out there and help him to save lives. I pray to you Lord for a peaceful deployment, a speedy year for both of us, and let him come home to me. Amen.
On a positive note when I talked to him he did say that he was going to have wi-fi in the tents when he gets to the FOB. You know what that means? Webcam time! I can't wait to see his handsome face.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Thank God!
Our lovely government waited until the last possible moment but they pulled through. No government shutdown! Yay! Now my honey doesn't have to stress about finances while he's over there risking his life for this country. And I get to go see my Mom and friends in WA next weekend! Yay!
In other news, last Wednesday we got a date. :( Only a few days now. I can't stop crying but I'm doing okay. I know I'm going to be a wreck on the day he leaves and probably the rest of the deployment but I am happy that I get a little extra time with him. Bless his heart, he's out now doing laundry for me so I don't have to do it after he's gone. I am such a lucky woman. <3
In other news, last Wednesday we got a date. :( Only a few days now. I can't stop crying but I'm doing okay. I know I'm going to be a wreck on the day he leaves and probably the rest of the deployment but I am happy that I get a little extra time with him. Bless his heart, he's out now doing laundry for me so I don't have to do it after he's gone. I am such a lucky woman. <3
Friday, April 1, 2011
I understand the workings of the government and the Army, but sometimes they really piss me off. Like this whole scare about military personel not getting paid on the 15th. What the hell is that about? Congress can't get their act together fast enough. It's really not fair. Our soldiers are out there working their asses off to protect this country and this is the thanks they get? How about the families that don't have any savings built? Like us? We're just supposed to expect bill collectors to let us slide for awhile because we have no money? Doesn't seem very fair to me. It's like, "hey, we know you're defending our country, but we're gonna make you come to work anyway and not get paid for it".. it's such a slap in the face to the men and women who are sacrificing their lives for it. I really hope they figure things out soon because I'm gonna be ANGRY if my husband doesn't get paid on the 15th.
On another angry Army note.. my husband is deploying soon.. yet they can't bother to give him a DATE? How soon in advance is he going to know? How come some soldiers in his unit have their orders and know when they're leaving, but he doesn't?! When does he get his orders? Ugh.. I really don't want to wake up one morning just to find out that hey, you got X amount of hours left before your husband is gone. It's bad enough that I'm dreading him leaving in the first place.
Okay, so there are my rants for the day. Haha.. At least they released him early today so I get the afternoon with him. <3 I love this man!
On another angry Army note.. my husband is deploying soon.. yet they can't bother to give him a DATE? How soon in advance is he going to know? How come some soldiers in his unit have their orders and know when they're leaving, but he doesn't?! When does he get his orders? Ugh.. I really don't want to wake up one morning just to find out that hey, you got X amount of hours left before your husband is gone. It's bad enough that I'm dreading him leaving in the first place.
Okay, so there are my rants for the day. Haha.. At least they released him early today so I get the afternoon with him. <3 I love this man!
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